Fear, I am not giving in to you today.
Today, you don’t even exist for me.
Now that I think of it, you might as well get lost because
I have no use for you ever again.
Didn’t know it.
Now I do.
For years, I actually believed you when you told me I was unworthy;
When you teased me that I wasn’t deserving.
For years, I actually believed it when you told me
I would never, ever be enough,
and you convinced me that I would never be lovable, either.
I hate you for that.
More than once I tried fighting you;
It only made you bigger, stronger, more persistent.
More than once I tried loving you;
It only made me lonely, desperate, paralyzed.
More than once I even tried accepting you-
It was then that I became resigned.
I can tolerate anything but the bland indifference that
I am not giving in to you today.
You were my excuse for my not trying to be my best.
You were my excuse for my running away from challenges,
relationships, ease and joy.
You were my excuse for my not succeeding and,
what’s even worse is that
you were my excuse for my
not paying attention to
the successes I did have.
Fear, you made me an imposter.
Over the years you were my constant companion,
so when you invaded my mind in the middle of the night
I mistook your words for the truth.
I trusted you.
Indeed, you were the force that made me abandon myself when
what I needed most was a friend to bear witness to my life.
For decades, I listened to you instead of my inner wisdom.
For decades, I denied my gifts and talents and
I refused to live my purpose.
For decades, you made me doubt myself
Which kept me stuck, and dark, and shriveled up in pain.
I hate you for that.
It seems like it’s been forever since you planted yourself firmly
between me and my future,
between me and the birthright of my potential.
You dared me to push you aside,
Taunted me to defy you,
Threatened to overturn my life and leave me in a heap of depression.
Until today, I have let you.
No, fear, I am not giving in to you today.
Every single time I turn toward you I lose.
I lose opportunities.
I lose love.
I lose vision.
I. Lose. My. Self.
You have stalked me and abused me and left me many times over,
yet I’ve clung to you none-the-less, because I knew you.
I confess now that I surrendered to you,
when what I should have done was simply ignore you.
But that was then. This is now.
No, fear, I am not giving in to you today
And, for the record, tomorrow doesn’t look good for you either.
Fear, whether real or imagined, can be a very scary thing. You’ve dealt with it. You’ve succumbed to it. You’ve overcome it. Please leave your comments below– we want to hear what you have to say. We really listen!